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Knock Knock. Whos There? Toby.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock494 Views, 9 Votes, 0 Comments, 1 Bumps -
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A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.
Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.
He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
Click below to voteVotes: 2, Views 2134, Bumps 6 -
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The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground!
The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from crashing!
As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane.
Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds.
As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight.
"Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those were Texans with all the shit scared out of them!"
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 1195, Bumps 8 -
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Dickens and the Martini
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: bar446 Views, 8 Votes, 0 Comments, 2 Bumps
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You Caught My Eye
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: relationship1545 Views, 12 Votes, 0 Comments, 4 BumpsA man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 1545, Bumps 4 -
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I WISH YOU HAD SWAGGA LIKE MINE!
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: no tags1839 Views, 14 Votes, 2 Comments, 14 Bumps
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Waddle.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock589 Views, 1 Votes, 0 Comments, 2 Bumps
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A woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight.
The guide told her, "This is our number one sport."
The horrified woman said, "Isn't that revolting?"
"No," the guide replied, "revolting is our number two sport."
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 660, Bumps 2 -
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Eames.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock439 Views, 3 Votes, 2 Comments, 1 Bumps
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Abbott.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock375 Views, 0 Votes, 0 Comments, 1 Bumps
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Making Love to a Woman
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: adult873 Views, 5 Votes, 1 Comments, 4 BumpsMAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.
LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.
HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.
PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'.. slip in to the old bag.
WASHING A CAR
Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.
BEING IN THERAPY
And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You.. get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.
BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is.. very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.
GOING FISHING
Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied.
Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 873, Bumps 4 -
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Mali.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock357 Views, 1 Votes, 1 Comments, 1 Bumps
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First Thing to do after Jail
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: adult1008 Views, 0 Votes, 1 Comments, 4 BumpsBad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.
The only thing he said was, "F.F."
His wife turned to him and answered, "E.F."
Out on the highway, he said, "F.F."
She responded simply, "E.F."
He repeated, "F.F."
She again replied, "E.F."
"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"
Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 1008, Bumps 4 -
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Ida.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock714 Views, 1 Votes, 3 Comments, 1 Bumps
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Termite.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock921 Views, 1 Votes, 0 Comments, 2 Bumps
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Things Only Women Understand
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: gender575 Views, 0 Votes, 0 Comments, 1 Bumps10. Cats' facial expressions
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds
7. Fat clothes
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time
5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow
3. Eyelash curlers
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made
And the number One thing only women understand:
1. OTHER WOMEN
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 575, Bumps 1 -
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Juicy
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock368 Views, 1 Votes, 0 Comments, 1 Bumps
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One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends.
She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees.
The boy says to the girl: "Go on climb that tree."
The girls climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girls pants.
After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened.
Her mum says: "oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again.
He told her to climb again and she did.
when she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says: "My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants."
The girl replied and said: "No actually I tricked him, this time i did not wear any pants!"
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 666, Bumps 5 -
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The Ten Commandments display was recently removed from the Alabama Supreme
Court building. There was a good reason for the move. You can't post
Thou Shalt Not Steal,
Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,
and Thou Shall Not Lie
in a building full of lawyers and politicians without creating a hostile
work environment.
Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 437, Bumps 2 -
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Zebulon.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock688 Views, 1 Votes, 0 Comments, 1 Bumps
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Lionel.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock773 Views, 1 Votes, 0 Comments, 1 Bumps
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Knock Knock. Whos There? Lisa.
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: knock knock735 Views, 1 Votes, 0 Comments, 1 Bumps
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Error codes in Windows
added 09/01/04 ago to JokesTags: no tags595 Views, 0 Votes, 0 Comments, 5 BumpsWinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr 002: No Error - Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one. WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software. WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that. WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available. WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.Click below to voteVotes: 0, Views 595, Bumps 5
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Knock Knock. Whos There? C's
added 09/01/12 ago to JokesTags: knock knock698 Views, 1 Votes, 3 Comments, 2 Bumps
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